A Layman Explores Wine 15

by William Powell

I don’t even mean asparagus here—that dead-looking, phallically loaded and utterly overrated stuff that has been hyped for decades as though the Holy Spirit himself were poking his corpse-like fingers through the topsoil every goddamn early summer.

The smell of cooking asparagus alone drives me out of any kitchen, however cosy it may be. What I find much worse is that I can’t come to terms with it. Egged on afresh every year by the best of all wives, spring after spring—against my better judgement and all reason—I bite into this dreadful stuff, only to lunge, gagging, towards the bin to the giggles of my wicked wife. Apparently, I just can’t accept that it does nothing for me.

Honey and Semi-Hard Cheese

At first, I always just watch her sitting there in raptures, accompanying every bite with an appreciative “Mmm”. Then something in me short-circuits, and, obsessed with the knowledge that there must be something to it, that this time I’ll taste just how delicious it all is ... I’ll spare you the rest.

I know people who slather honey on semi-hard cheese. The very thought puts me off. So what do I do? Try it and discover that I think it’s awful. Every time! At this point, I would prefer not to answer any questions about why I have to try it more than once. As soon as I’ve established closer contact with the relevant parts of my sick brain, I’ll get back to you.

Portugieser and Rosé?

I probably just don’t trust myself. How else can you explain why it took me 13 (!) attempts to finally admit that I really don’t like that unspeakable medium-sweet Portugieser rosé? And it wasn’t as though I got a different result with each new attempt.

It was more a question from my best friend, who was positively smitten with medium-sweet rosé at the time, that kept me going. It was clearly a tempestuous love affair between him and that swill, and it made him want to drive me into the arms of that ghastly siren too. “No, seriously?” he would burst out in incredulous surprise when he recognised my expression—after the very first cautious sip.

Disgust Written on My Face

To describe my expressive features as showing “disgust” would probably be something of a euphemism. To be entirely fair, I should probably also mention that the two of us made a very particular pair. Neither of us has ever been good at accepting a negative verdict from the other. At least not on things that matter to us. He never admitted it, but I’m almost certain he left one of his girlfriends because of me.

The girl and I couldn’t stand the sight of each other, and although he probably really liked her, he couldn’t cope with my disapproval of her. Conversely, I could never believe that he simply had no interest in THC-based recreational substances. If he took anything of the sort, he fell asleep or felt violently sick. Or both.

Ham and Running Shoes

I, however, was convinced that I simply hadn’t found the right blend for him yet, and repeatedly “forced” him to indulge in those Afghan delights. Until, in one mighty torrent, he fouled my rather sizeable record collection so thoroughly that I’ve given up that hobby ever since. Naturally, I had to clean up the mess on my own, because he had keeled over and fallen asleep with a mumbled “Oh ... sorry, mate”.

These days, he very much enjoys drinking the Weinmann family’s wonderful wines, and I’m more likely to spend my money on Serrano ham and running shoes than on mind-expanding substances.

And yet it still does us no good to share culinary adventures at the limits of our comfort zones ... or even just to hear about them. Recently, we watched a film together in which a deranged villain dined with an ultra-cool gentleman spy.

Seriously?

The two of them enjoyed a 1945 Chateau LaFite with a cheeseburger and a Big Mac. And as they did, they discussed how one simply had to try a 1973 Chateau D’Yquem with Twinkies.

Even as my friend murmured “Wow”, a “Yuck!” escaped my lips, and I knew I’d made a mistake. Certainly by the time he came out with his famous “No, seriously?” This is going to be interesting.